Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
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