What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Go to BabaMail
