This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Only a**holes use bidets.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
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