What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns×¥
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
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