Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
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