On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
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