I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
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