Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
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