What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!