How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
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