Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
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