Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
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