What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
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