Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
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