“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
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