What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Go to BabaMail
