“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Go to BabaMail
