Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
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