I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
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