Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
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