Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Go to BabaMail
