Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
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