How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
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