I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
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