We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
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