What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
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