5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
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