Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
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