Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
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