Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
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