The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
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