What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
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