Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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