What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
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