What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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