Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
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