How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
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