My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
That’s a bit mulch.
Your good seed for the day.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I’m rooting for you!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Let me plant one on ya!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
It’s party thyme.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Leaf me alone.
Trowel and error.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
One more thyme.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I beg your garden?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
You’re unbeleafable.
Have you botany plants lately?
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Ants in your plants.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Seed between the lines.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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