I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Your good weed for the day.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
Go to BabaMail
