Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Trowel and error.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
It’s party thyme.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
One trick peony.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I’m kind of a big dill.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Long thyme no see.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
One more thyme.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Herb your enthusiasm.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I’ll never leaf you.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
All clover the world.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
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