A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Your good weed for the day.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Your good seed for the day.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
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