Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Your good seed for the day.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
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