Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
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