Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Leaf me alone.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
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