Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
We’re calling your number.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
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