I pitcher us together forever.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Books are my kind of texts.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
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