What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
I scored when I met you.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
Icy what you did there.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
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