What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Believe in your elf.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
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