What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
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