I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
We make a great pear
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
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