What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
We make a great pear
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
You’re my soul Santa.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
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