What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
You’re my soul Santa.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
I followed my heart to you.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
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