I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
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