What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
We’re a perfect mash.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
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