What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
You are pitcher perfect.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
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