When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
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