When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
I’ll never leaf you.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Cell phones are a static symbol.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
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