Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Say it ain’t snow.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
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