Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
I whale always love you.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
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