I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
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