What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
Treat yo shelves.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
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