What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Feeling my shelf.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
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