What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
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