The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
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