The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
French people give me the crepes.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Your good seed for the day.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
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